Boundaries and Personal Identity
what do I want
who am I
what do I deserve
In therapy, boundaries are often see as the key aspect to establishing and holding healthy relationships with others. A lot of healing family of origin trauma and attachment work relies on our ability to hold a firm boundary when we become aware of the damage these relationships cause in us. I intentionally say “in us” vs “to us” to highlight to autonomy we all have in what let impact our psyche.
Why is is so difficult? Many books, articles, blog posts, lectures, classes etc exist on how to set boundaries, and yet remains a struggle for many of my clients, even as they acknowledge the pain they are experiencing in keeping some people so close.
Attachment theory tells us that we long for our first caretakers to show up for us properly. To nurture us in both body and emotion, to be consistent, predictable, comforting. This desire is so strong that even when someone has many years of data to show that these caretakers have not done the helpful, loving, caring things that kids innately crave, youth and adults alike will continue to emotionally chase after caregivers, holding out hope they might change. Now, people do change, so it is possible. However, the impact that inconsistent or inappropriate parenting to kids 13 and younger can be long-lasting. Even when people start to respond to emotional needs effectively, kids may have already internalized stories about how the world works.
“If I ask for help, no one will come.”
“If I show emotional needs, it is uncertain how people may respond.”
“I should remain vigilant in case this change is temporary, too.”
If we don’t get these essential needs met, it can have a devastating impact on how our self-concept develops. Our sense of identity as well as the autonomy we feel we have in the world can be shaped in a way that can make us reactive, feeling trapped in our emotional responses. We can question whether we even deserve to have supportive connective bonds with others, or whether we are capable of sustaining them. The suggestion of setting a boundary when you have this view of world and yourself can seem incredibly foreign.
In my work with people would would like to have more mutually supportive relationships, we focus a lot on identifying the world view that folks carry with them, and whether its still serving them or not. Does a self-message that “I should keep these people in my world because who else would want me?” reflect the kind of identity that is likely to end up in happy relationships? The core relationship here to focus on is self: developing a strong self-attachment that is compassionate, gentle and firm when needed,.
“I know I will be okay, I know I will always have myself.”
“People in my life have let me down before, but I know I can trust me.”
“If I choose to end this relationship, I know I have the always ability to show up for myself.”
When we operate from a place of centeredness, rooted in our own self-worth and self-trust, we can approach relationships in an entirely new way. Setting a boundary and potentially losing a connection isn’t as crushing when we know we can always rely on ourselves. The little kid self inside of each of us can gaze up to the adult self and know that we are taken care of. Approaching relationships from a place of scarcity that childhood trauma can mean people won’t be as discerning as they might want to be. As we begin to see ourselves as containing emotional resilience, and that we can see OURSELVES as a desirable partner or friend, we start to move from the desperation we historically approach relationships with. And that isn’t to insult that feeling, far from it. Little kids are desperate for adult connection, attention, affection. When that need isn’t met developmentally as a little one, we can carry that desperation inside of us, internally embodied in our little kid self.
Changing the messaging we carry with us is a process and just knowing it exists usually isn’t enough to alter it. Seeing ourselves differently is a dynamic process that usually requires a daily practice of noticing the internal litany of self-criticism and gently replacing it with a statement that is more compassionate.
“I am not interesting enough for people to reach out to”
vs
“I feel lonely right now but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve attention.”
Future blog:
How to follow up personal identity work with actual boundaries, the nuts and bolts