How to Foster Healthy Attachment in Our Intimate Relationships 101
Attachment in relationships comes down to the central question of: “Am I safe with you?” What we experience as safe will be determined by how our attachment style shows up in the relationship. Some people will find fear in closeness, and some will be afraid of being alone. Regardless what our style is, the goal for our partner is to understand what we are feeling, and what we need, and try to match that need in the moment to create an experience of safety.
How the people who raised us treated us will have a huge impact on what kinds of attachment styles we show up with in relationship, what we expect out of other people and what we have to offer in return. Stan Tatkin says wisely, “It’s important to remember here that your task is not to change each another’s attachment orientation because that tends to be hardwired from infancy. However, it is important to understand one another—how you each move toward and away from one another, and what your reflexes dictate you do during times of stress. If you understand who you both are, then you have a very good chance of learning how to manage one another, in the best way.”
When we work to be an expert on our partner, we communicate to them that their internal state matters to us, they can be relaxed and natural around us. They do not need to escape into dissociation or hypervigilance; they can be present in the here and now because we make it a safe and easy place to be. Expressing curiosity about our partners’ feelings and desires lets them know that the relationship is in the forefront of our minds.
Those of us who had difficult childhoods can need specific kinds of support to help understand that this relationship is different than what we experienced as a youth. We will do what we say, and say what we do. They do not need to be on guard around us because we are consistent, responsive and make quick repairs when there is a misstep. When we know about our partners’ experiences as a young person, we can be more sensitive to the kinds of care they need in relationship, and will be less likely to “step in it” and accidently cause hurt.
The process of creating safety and security in relationship takes time. Over time we learn to trust that our partner has our best interests in heart, and will in return assume best intentions about us. But much like any process, it is something that we get better at by practicing, and expert couples are those who make this work a priority.
If you would like to know more about how to increase the safety and emotional security in your relationship, contact me for information about relationship and couples counseling.
